There were extraordinary scenes in the Commons today, when Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, swept aside the Despatch Box and dashed into the outstretched arms of Labour Party Leader, Sir Keir Starmer, where the two adversaries embraced in a massive bear hug. Parliamentarians from all parties scrambled over benches in their haste to get to the front to shake the hands of colleagues and opposition members alike. There was a great deal of back slapping and an astonishing degree of cheek kissing. Ed Milliband had tears in his eyes as he grasped Boris’ hand in both of his in an energetic and heartfelt handshake. The Speaker launched a flurry of MPs questions into the air as he gleefully jumped up and down on his chair, while Nicola Sturgeon danced the Highland Fling on the central table. The hallowed Chamber resounded with joyful cries of ‘hurrah!’ ‘bravo!’ and ‘well done!’ The House, united in jubilant celebration of its unparalleled success.
Covid 19 is dead! Conquered! Defeated! Done!
Of course, triumph over the deadly coronavirus does indeed warrant expressions of jollification unprecedented in the House’s history but what, four years from the onset of the pandemic, has become of us.
Suicide rates have more than doubled. From 11.2 people per 100,000 in 2019, the figure now stands at 24. Average life expectancy has fallen from 81 to 69. Only one in four people aged between 20 and 35 have a job. Homelessness has quadrupled. Hordes of homeless people are crammed into deserted shopping centres with just a few ghostly mannequins for company. They are fed once a day. Wetherspoons, the only surviving pub chain, now granted charitable status, is expected to provide one free breakfast – so long as everybody obeys the rule of four, remains two metres apart, and eats outside.
In 2021, the government introduced the rule of one. This means that no family is allowed more than one child and no child is allowed more than one friend. Parents are allowed to hug their children once a month, but only after testing negative for the virus, all must be wearing full PPE and must be outside. Grandparents can see grandchildren every three months – wearing full PPE and behind a glass screen. They must adhere to the rule of three – one grandchild to two grandparents or two grandchildren to one grandparent.
Unless it’s for work, nobody is allowed to travel more than five miles from their home and can only do so on foot or bicycle and in accordance with the rule of two – no more than two people may be allowed to walk or cycle together. Pets, with the exception of dogs, are banned.
Children under the age of eleven attend school every seventh day and are taught in groups of five, according to the rule of five, unless a child has a twin, in which case the rule of five and a bit applies. All secondary and further education is delivered remotely, and all homes must install a sterile bubble in which learning can take place. No parent or teacher is permitted to enter.
Schools and universities offer a limited curriculum specifically designed to support essential key sectors, the most essential, heading up the list:
· Politics
· Design and manufacture of face masks and PPE
· Warehousing and Distribution
· Science
· Police and Security Services
· Armed Forces
· IT
· Funeral Services
Tens of thousands of nurses have been made redundant and surgeons play poker in redundant operating theatres. Airline pilots have ditched the skies in favour of the roads, where the average delivery driver earns more than the Prime Minister. DPD is listed amongst the top ten companies in the UK.
We have, as a nation, worked tirelessly in our determination to rid our shores of this dreadful disease. And this determination has paid off. All that’s left for us to do is address the catastrophic collapse in the economy and see if we can reverse our plunging fortunes over the next ten years. Or possibly, fifteen.
Some of you, on reading this, may remain sceptical. You may not believe everything written here. You may decide it can’t all be true. And you would be right.
That bit about the jubilant scenes in the Commons –
- I made that bit up.
No comments:
Post a Comment