I like to think that I have reached the age where my demeanour is generally one of moderate tolerance. I’m at that point where I’m less inclined to join protest rallies, champion the underdog, or argue vehemently about nothing much at all. Whilst not quite apathetic, I’ve long since ceased to be shocked at the corruption within governments, the wickedness of the human race and the fickle nature of fate and fortune.
I am far more likely to raise a tired and disappointed eyebrow in response to the injustices in the world than vent the kind of fury and indignation, passion and fervour that is, quite rightly, the domain of youth.
Yet, despite my age, or perhaps because of it, there are still a few things that irritate and annoy me. Among them are:
· Itchy labels – those that are welded into clothes. By the time you get the things out, the garment is in tatters and fit only for the bin.
· Unsolicited phone calls, where the caller fails in their attempt to sound remotely convincing as they sing “… and how are you today…?”
· Pubs that consider it acceptable to serve gin and tonic without either ice or lemon
· Reality TV…
Whilst the above is not by any means an exhaustive list, all of it pales into insignificance when compared to the thing that really sets my blood fizzing!
- The misplaced apostrophe!
I must stress that I’m all for the evolution of language – language is a living and fascinating phenomenon. Its development is the very thing that keeps it rich and exciting. New words and phrases become incorporated into the language as a result of popular use. Should the same be true of popular misuse? I think not.
The most obvious and perhaps common misuse of this much-maligned little symbol is where an attempt has been made to denote a word in its plural form. Every high street is littered with examples of such abuse. So much so that you can understand why confusion and self-doubt creep into your psyche and you begin to wonder if you are actually wrong and everybody else is right!
Who hasn’t seen the word Pizza’s emblazoned on just about every street corner? Which grocer doesn’t sell apple’s and pear’s? How many garages offer us MOT’s? And when there are bargains to be had, aren’t there always 1000’s of them? Especially if they’re selling bed’s, DVD’s, CD’s or even Xmas tree’s! An infinite number of restaurants point us unhelpfully in the direction of their menu’s and even in schools and colleges you can be sure of having lists of GCSE’s, NVQ’s and GNVQ’s shoved in your furious, frustrated and fuming face!
An apostrophe is not required simply because there is more than one of a thing. A humble little ‘s’ at the end of the word does the job perfectly well. It never, ever needs help from the apostrophe.
I wouldn’t presume to try to turn this rant into a quick lesson on the use of apostrophes. But having got this far, we might as well be clear of the rules. After all, there are only two of them!
· Firstly, omission. Whenever we miss out a letter or letters we pop an apostrophe in its place – do not becomes don’t, cannot becomes can’t, they are becomes they’re and so on. Job done.
· Secondly, possession. When we want to be clear of what belongs to whom, we identify the owner with the help of the apostrophe. So, the girl’s shoes, the dog’s bone. Where there’s a gang of girls and a pack of dogs, the apostrophe comes after the s, as in, the girls’ shoes, the dogs’ bones.
· Sometimes an apostrophe incorrectly intrudes into the word its when used in a phrase like ‘the dog ate its bones’. If it doesn’t mean ‘it is’, leave the apostrophe out.
That’s more or less it.
There are those who would rid the English language of the apostrophe altogether, condemning it without mercy to the dusty annals of yesteryear. To do so would render the written word incomprehensible and I can find no justification in that.
Theyd have us struggle without our helpful signposts and wed be lost in confusion over whos right and whats acceptable. Well agonise over the ownership of the boys toys and wouldnt ever know if thats one boy or two. Wed grope our way through senseless sentences and lifes written expressions would become nonsense.
Thankfully I am not alone in my crusade to preserve the poor blighted apostrophe. There is such a thing as the Apostrophe Protection Society, formed in 2001. I may very well join the ranks of its enlightened members.
We should not be required to sacrifice aspects of our language because of a little bit of confusion here and there. Now, more than ever, we can access knowledge in the blink of an eye. We carry the information of the entire universe in a database in our pockets. There is no need to wonder about or puzzle over anything anymore. Indeed, there are few mysteries left to ponder.
So, if we’re ever called upon to unravel the mysteries of the poor apostrophe, all we need do is carry out an action that will find us the answer to that and any other question we care to pose. An action that demonstrates beautifully how popular use has created a new verb in our ever-evolving language. A verb unheard of just a few years ago, but now understood by almost every person on the planet.
Google it…!
