There are very few places to eat on a Monday night in Scarborough, so a Chinese restaurant seemed an obvious choice for an evening out with my old workmates Lynne and Mary.
When I phoned to book I was informed that it was the Chinese New Year and there was a special banquet menu to choose from. I should have put the phone down right there and then and gone for an Indian, but, on sensing my hesitation, the restaurateur quickly added that we could also choose from the standard menu. Fair enough I thought, our choices won't be pre-defined, so I went ahead and booked.
Mary and I arrived a little early and waited in the bar area for Lynne. Is it unreasonable, do you suppose, to order a drink whilst waiting in the bar? No, that's what Mary and I thought too. So I trotted along and approached the young English chap behind the bar and asked for a bottle of Pinot Grigio and a half bottle of Merlot. You would have thought I'd asked him to slice me off a piece of the moon! "I have no idea what that is!" he wailed, gawping at me with a confused and vacant expression on his face. Somewhat dumbstruck I helpfully pointed to the items on the wine list, assuming that he could at least read and write. Thankfully, the situation was rescued by one of the waiters and the 'barman' explained that he'd only worked here a week - perhaps imagining that that was an acceptable excuse for his incompetence. To be fair, it was management's fault really. When they put the poor guy behind the bar they should have warned him that there was a danger of somebody asking for a drink!
Lynne had arrived by now and the evening began in earnest. I suppose we should have read the signs, perhaps been a little more observant, taken a bit more notice of our surroundings...but we were too busy catching up on gossip. As it was, the restaurant was surprisingly busy. The waiters were dressed in brightly coloured silk shirts and there was an anticipatory buzz in the air. Maybe there will be dancing dragons at midnight, we mused.
Presently we were escorted to our table. Passing many happy diners along the way, we were eventually placed in the farthest, deepest, darkest, draughtiest corner of the restaurant, almost in a spare room. Perhaps this is where grumpy old women who don't want the banquet menu get to sit, I thought. Little did we know that, before long, we would be immensely grateful for that table.
The party mood must have infected Mary because she suggested we look at the banquet menu. We did. There was a heavy, palpable silence, followed by desperate, darting glances in search of a means of escape, then the awful realisation that it was too late - we were trapped! "Oh God! No!" we groaned in horror as we read:
"Chinese New Year Banquet
Karaoke from 8.30 pm
Quiz
Raffle"
That explained it! The happy diners, the sense of nervous apprehension as the would-be singing stars prepared themselves for their big moment; the expectant buzz of the quiz competitors in anticipation of glory and the promise of great prizes prompting the avid purchasing of raffle tickets. There was no escape. Our helpful sloth from the bar had already delivered the wine. We were going to be treated to a Chinese version of the "Wheeltappers and Shunters Club!"
We deliberately shunned the banquet menu and ordered from the menu for grumpy old women in the corner. I'm always a little worried when they don't shred the crispy duck at the table. It looked more grated than shredded and could easily have been swept up from under the fridge. But it tasted better than it looked and as the wine was flowing nicely we'd decided that there was no other choice than to make the best of it. We consoled ourselves that it was likely to be some time before the singing started as surely people would wait until they were drunk!
Not a bit of it. Half past eight, on the dot, up gets the first budding popstar. Before long the entire restaurant was swaying over their noodles in time to "Welcome Home..." and "The Road is Long..." We were treated to something unrecognisable from a group of ladies from Leeds and entertained by the odd Buddy Holly and Elton John. At least nobody attempted Freddy Mercury! There was a break from the performance whilst the quiz got underway and the competitors were positively belligerent in their zeal to be victors. Despite our disappointment at the lack of dancing dragons, and the fact that we couldn't stay for the raffle, we did at least learn how to say Happy New Year in Chinese.
When we asked for the bill there was immense confusion over what we'd had to drink. Our inimitable barman had "gone" we were told. All got too much for him I suspect!
All in all, apart from the venue, the table, the food, the dodgy entertainment and the staff, we had a fabulous evening. We haven't laughed quite so much in a long time and that, along with the wine of course, proved more than a little intoxicating.
So Lynne and Mary, thanks for a great night out.
Can we try Italian next time...?
